Sometimes, some days, feel like I am making this whole thing up. That I am perfectly fine, and that perhaps (with too many years of good NYC therapy under my belt)- that I have a good psychological reason to stay "unwell". And then wham! Days and weeks like this week occur. Today- should have been a pretty ordinary day in the office, but instead, after the first 2 hours I could barely look at my screen. I felt like great giant parts of my brain were literally trying to poke through my forehead, or maybe the other way around- that giant sticks were being forced through my skull and into my brain, that a series of drums were being played on the back of my head. I had forgotten that feeling. Walking through the streets of New York on my way home, weaving my way through holiday shoppers and wrapped up against the freezing temperatures, I felt nervous that I might retch into the NY gutters any minute, something I haven't done since I was pregnant. ( Pregnant with my first child, I used to throw up on my way to work in the mornings as I commuted from the far west side to 5th avenue, a 7 minute walk. Of course New Yorkers don't even notice)
As I reflect on today, I realize that it is really due to a lack of self care, a lack of reading the signs. The days I feel OK are days that I stay close to home (and by close to home, I mean inside my house). Or they are days when I pace myself to do just a few hours in the city or in the office and then come home and never 2 days in a row. Or they are the crazy a days when I do the impossible leading long workshops, or presenting to a crowd, by finding a way to to pump the wonderdrugs of adrenaline and endorphins into my body.
In recent weeks, I have been giving myself all this self talk that I have finally accepted this situation. Yet, apparently, my way of accepting it is to ignore that it exists. After a ropey start to the week (Monday started with me asking myself why am I in so much pain today?") I just continued the rest of the week according to the schedule. It's the end of the year so we are trying to fit in kids' doctor and dentist appointments while the deductible situation is in our favor. I neatly squeezed my own dentist appointment between the kids, making the queasiness rise in my throat. Even my hat over my head and my eyes tightly closed I was not able to block out the god-awful whistling of the teeth cleaner thing that reverberated around my poor bruised brain. And then there is the new business pitch that came in our direction, and the client that just got back from a round-the-world trip and of course Christmas Cards and shopping. Old Kate would have considered this a light and very easy week-- so I didn't really think about it. With no rest days, each day activities have felt more difficult than the previous day. But becuase I am telling myself that I have "accepted" my plight of constant pain and nausea, I have also sent myself a message that "this too will pass" and carried on.
So now , with daggers pointing into my forehead, an electrical zapping at the cranio-cervical junction and the feeling that I have swallowed a walnut, I am off to lead an 8pm webinar with 30 participants across 5 continents. Hopefully tomorrow won't be one of those kinds of recovery days when I have to lie perfectly still, my head completely flat without a pillow and without moving my eyes...........
I guess I need another try at this acceptance thing
Here I am- facing the other way!